Gimlet Goblin

GrouponGate

today i mused on the various websites that allow consumers savings through bulk purchases (LivingSocial, BuyWithMe, Groupon, etc.) it is hysterical to me that a generation who scorns coupons are now completely gaga over.... electronic coupons. i even hate the word 'coupon.' mostly because always say it "kyu-pon" instead of "coo-pon." but i digress. even i have jumped on this bandwagon! am i really this excited over a porcelain bird figurine, simply because 200 other people bought it so now i can save 10%? skirry. to be fair, the only things i have bought on said site are wine and movie tickets, things i actually use. this cartoon aptly sums up GrouponGate (scroll far down.)

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/state_web_winter

real adeles have curves

to be fair, we all have a good side. and good hair days. and that one outfit that makes us look smokin'. which is why i carefully weed through images of me that are tagged on the 'book, and select as my profile pic only those that make me appear 9,000% more attractive than i actually am.

i love adele. she can do no wrong. with that voice, she could be ursula from the little mermaid and i'll buy anything she is selling.

that said, do not try to trick me. if i am flipping through People mag, and see you looking skinballs usa, i am happy for you. but don't do it, girl. i mean, i KNOW you've got the makeup team, the hair team, the lighting team, the stylists, the photoshoppers......but just don't do it. 'cuz we both know i'm going to peruse EW and see you looking like you just ate j.hud dreamgirls stilo, before she actually embraved her inner starvles the clown.

uggly

i tell it like it is. case in point, a query from a dear friend this a.m.:
"am i too old for these boots?" with the following link: 
uggs

my response:

• "if you're in your 30s
• and you're over 3 feet tall
• and the product description contains both the terms kids and youth

then we both know the answer. and don't even get me started on the color."

to be fair, she laughed so hard that she cried.

listlessly listing

i'm a list-a-holic. i have lists in my blackberry, lists in excel, lists on stickies on my computer at work: restaurants to try, people to email, books to read. oh, and condolence cards to send. this system works for me. so simmer down, co-worker. to be fair, i could have phrased the sticky differently than "<name redacted> mother died."

salt. evelyn salt.

the amount of time we spend over-thinking and crafting our social media message is insane. for example, last night i saw a post from a friend about his terrible cold.

this morning, i reached out:

'i didn't realize you had a terrible cold...we g-chatted all day...why didn't you say anything?'

he responded that said status was his alibi, crafted solely for a guy he had plans with... to set the stage for when he texted him an hour later, canceling.

ahhh..... the wily ways of gays. to be fair, we've all done this. i've also done the opposite - specifically NOT checked into foursquare somewhere because i was supposedly elsewhere. i've even gone so far as to try to check in somewhere i wasn't.

when we're crafting twitter / facebook / foursquare messages to establish a fake life in order to not mess up our real life, it makes me think that perhaps we should unplug: turn off the smartphone and go to those plans that you're trying to bagger vance on.

stay away from the crack...unless you can manage it socially

"i was sober for five years a long time ago and just bored out of my tree...it's not who i am."

to be fair, surely this is true - but does childhood count towards sobriety?

a strange, glass-walled and tube-shaped spaceship

Times review of Bar Basque

"There is little to enjoy about the actual restaurant, though. Bar Basque is a strange, glass-walled and tube-shaped spaceship on the second floor of the new Eventi Hotel in Chelsea, with a view of a jumbo television screen across the alley park behind it. Red and black and clattery, with a substantial, low-seating lounge area that vibrates with dinkadinkadinka club music and the repressed desire of hotel guests traveling with hard-body work associates, it could appear in a sequel to Bret Easton Ellis's “American Psycho.”"

to be fair, sifton is totally right. meh. on the upside, the hostess knew who we were. cuz we were the only large party.

my 20s were good for something

i am shutting down and heading out to run some errands before my big date tonight. a second date.... usually the best, because it is often the last date before you:

• realize he is OCD
• realize he doesn't shower
• you spot him kissing someone else while out on a date with you
• accept that there is no spark
• never hear from him again
• discover how many ppl in common you've dated
• contemplate giving up altogether, moving back home with your family and getting cats. 

because all of these things have happened to me in the past two years. to be fair, at least i know now when to throw in the towel - so my 20s were spent not in vain.

single and bitter, party of five

"i'm sorry we're a little late... we're the <redacted> party of five."
"oh, i know who you are. you're the only.... large party we have."
to be fair, it was valentine's. and she was right. we were the only non-party-of-two.

trojan men

one amusing aspect of sharing a home with multiple roommates is spotting condom wrappers tossed in the bathroom trash, and wondering which had a good night. to be fair, at least he's being safe.

resaca

i'm happy to report that although it is the monday after a sunday funday, i am not currently hungover and am actually being quite productive at work. to be fair, it is 4:30pm.

it's all relative

i would complain that i am really dragging today after sunday funday...but to be fair, i don't have a leg to stand on, considering the birthday boy ended the night's festivities in an ambulance with a shattered ankle.

oh, i remember

to be fair, i'm pretty sure that adele stole 'i have a fickle heart and a bitterness and a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head' from me.

starvation rhythm nation

i am starvles the clown. i literally could not be hungrier. to be fair, i haven't eaten in four or five days. #beinggayishard

all about the spin

ok so yes... i spend half my day on facebook|twitter|foursquare|tumblr. but to be fair, i work at a media company. media... social media... it's relevant. somehow. i'm working on the business case right now.

crying over splashed coffee

to be fair, i did forget to put the cup under the keurig before pressing the brew button. that said, your reaction was a bit melodramatic.

giving up the gun

to be fair, our rapid-fire string of one-line emails would be better facilitated by a g*chat. but that would require giving up the pretense that i may potentially do work today.

alias

to be fair, it would be easier to avoid hitting on your various love interests if you referred to them by their actual names. because shockingly, he didn't introduce himself as 'Churchboy'.

thirsty thursday

to be fair, i have major bedhead and am clutching my gatorade like a life raft. that said, your insinuation that it was a 'late night' is just uncouth.

it's five o'clock somewhere

i hate working late. to be fair, by 'late' i mean, 'after lunch'.

fat professor

why yes, i suppose i did refer to you as 'morbidly obese'. to be fair, you are.

cuatro crazy

to be fair, he was three four lokos into his night when we kissed. that said, i thought there was a modicum of interest on his part. crazy me.

kicks and stones

to be fair, the last time i ran into my ex, he kicked me in the leg and told me i was 'not even human'. even so, i think i'm a bit of a catch.

you're such a carrie

to be fair, my idea of 'giving advice' is to point out vague parallels between your life and the plot of Sex and the City. still, you could pretend to listen.

clearly, we're close

to be fair, it took me nine months to realize you'd deleted me off facebook. all the same, i'm irked.

we're not all crazy cat ladies

to be fair, i am a single, thirty-something, bookclub-belonging knitter. however, i resent the assumption that i have cats.

euphemisms

to be fair, i am tired. nevertheless, i refuse to acknowledge the question.

five hundred pound shut-in

to be fair, there's no way in hell i would have left my bed, where i was eating (not one but) two packages of reese's pb cups. that said, it would have been nice to have been invited.

winter doldrums

to be fair, this is the shitty part of the winter when i start questioning every choice i've ever made.

engage the crazy

to be fair, i did try to not engage the crazy.